Returning from our trip to orlando, Myshe presented me with their latest addition to my "Holy Crap" collection: The Annointed Acts 19:11,12 Faith Handkerchief! This fine piece of sacred paper "is like an anointed prophet of God coming to your house to bless you."
According to the blurbs all along the accompanying paper people received special miracles of all kinds by using handkerchiefs and aprons sent to them by the Apostle Paul.
Well dammit. I get screwed again! The last time all I wanted to be able to do was see the damn camel. And now?! Now I get a handkerchief when I could have received an apron. I was just complaining the other week about not having a damn apron. Really! I even commented to Myshe that I saw one I really liked that read "Shiitake happens" and how much I wanted it. But hell, I'd be just as happy with an Anointed Acts 19:11,12 Faith Apron. I figure with it I can do all sorts of neat stuff that I couldn't with a normal apron. Undoubtedly I'd be able to make double if not triple the amount of fish and bread I could before with the same ingredients. And why part the red sea when I can simply walk through it as my Faith Apron deftly pushes water away from me keeping me dry and preventing any unsightly stains from my clothing underneath.
Oh well, I guess I can't have everything. But wait, according to Saint Matthew's Churches in Tulsa Oklahoma at PO Box 21210, Tulsa OK 74121-9938 I can! The testimonials from everyone that received the handkerchief list miracles from "Blessed With $6,000.00!" to "Son in Law Off Dope" (Yes, sans the proper hyphens). At the very bottom it tells me...
"Mail It Back To The Church In The Morning...
God is blessing people who have taken God as their partner."
Whoa whoa whoa! God as their partner?! So Massachusettes and Heaven both have same sex marriage laws in place?? Excellent! But they also say people taking God as their partner. That's plural, indicating polygamy is okay too! Wow, so many interpretations shattered by this one simple piece of paper sent from Saint Matthew's Churches in Tulsa Oklahoma at PO Box 21210, Tulsa OK 74121-9938. I had no idea!
So all-in-all this was a positive bit of mail. I feel good knowing God is okay with the gays and people who marry more than one person. I also walk away from this with no headache from trying to stare at Jesus to see the camel. What's more, I realized that the handkerchief sent from Saint Matthew's Churches in Tulsa Oklahoma at PO Box 21210, Tulsa OK 74121-9938 is also a miracle in itself! I discovered it had so many uses! So, to further this blessing of the postal service using my digital camera I decided to pass along my personal miracle with all of you:
It Doesn't Just Promise Salvation! It's Also...
A Fantastic bib! Though not as great as an apron.
A lovely addition to a place setting.
A little food on your chin?
Wipe away the mess while wiping on a blessing!
A comfy blankie for Kittums! He was so thrilled to be
so warm and toasty!
A Holy Beer Coozy. Perfect for sacred events
such as the Super Bowl and Martha Stewart Court Trials.
A welcomed diversion for the children of unexpected guests!
No more cranky kids! Set them down and let them color
their way to the Lord!
It's a shame the people at Saint Matthew's Churches in Tulsa Oklahoma at PO Box 21210, Tulsa OK 74121-9938 don't receive more mail like this themselves. I'm sure they would weep with joy. Here's to hoping Saint Matthew's Churches in Tulsa Oklahoma at PO Box 21210, Tulsa OK 74121-9938 starts getting a lot of wonderful mail in their mailbox as well!
1 comment:
Holy CRAP that cat is FAT!
And tell Myshe to shave her neck better next time, she has stubble
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