Episode 2: Demons of Exxor is about the evil Lord Darkon who seems hellbent on ruling the the galaxy of Nova 12 which lies "a million light years from Earth". His last hurdle before total victory is the planet Exxor, home to the Wonder Twins Zan and Jayna. Using his something-something-or-other ray he creates a large creature from the fears of all Exxorians that proceeds to wreak havoc by melting the same stock footage building repeatedly. So, all the super Friends are busy. Zan and Jayna are, of course, told to come home and help and are promptly teleported "a million light years from Earth" to their home planet. They prove useless (as usual) and it looks like the Exxorians are all doomed (even though according to the twins all exxorians have these powers...but they're the only two who even attempt to use them). So, yadda yadda, the Super Friends find out what's going on and all head to Exxor in the Bat Rocket and Wonder Woman's Invisible jet. The trip only takes a brief few minutes since it's just "a million light years from Earth". Fighting breaks out, Super Friends are thwarted, blah blah blah, then Lord Darkon (Welfare Darth Vader) turns the scrambledy-pambledy ray on Wonder Woman and creates a creature from her greatest fears: A giant, floating, pink, polka dotted, bearded octopus-jellyfish. Assuring us that Wonder Woman did not use too much acid when younger, Aquaman points out that this is "Logar" a creature from amazonian mythology. Um. Yeah. Okay. I'll believe Aquaman because he's hot. More story, more story and the good guys win, Exxor is saved.
That jumps us immediately over to Episode 8: Terror from the Phantom Zone. Interestingly enough this is seriously similar to Superman II, which came in '80. So, we have a comet that happens to smash into the Phantom Zone thereby releasing three kryptonian criminals Superman placed there some time ago. (The timeline is hazy at best. Were they placed there post Krypton's destruction? Meaning they survived? Or were they placed there before the end of that world, meaning Superman couldn't have put them there.) Anywho, the kryptonian captives Hul, Rom-Lok and Logar-
. . .
Logar? Wait. That's a kryptonian name? But I thought it was an amazonian creature from mythology that Wonder Woman peed her panties over. Were the creators reeeeally lacking the creativity to make another name? Let's hope this was some little homage to someone named Logar. So Hul, Rom-Lok and the kryptoamazonian mythological criminal all head to earth where they too are as powerful as Superman. They cause much chaos and manage somehow to procure some red kryptonite to make Superman grow old (though when they expose him to it they aren't affected). Long story short, blue kryptonite fixes Superman and they trick the criminal trio into being exposed to red krytponite as well causing them to shrink, turn to metal and get hairy before sending them back to the Phantom Zone. Oh yeah, some of the super friends were put into the Phantom Zone earlier in the episode too and apparently there's a multi-tentacled phantom creature running around in there that Hul, Rom-Lok and Logar have avoided for a very long time.
But wait, there's more! Episode 7: Attack of the Vampire was a doozy. Okay, Dracula wakes up after 100 years. He turns into a bat and carries a little pouch up into the stormy clouds of Transylvania where he sprinkles the magic vampire dust. An unsuspecting jet passes through the powder and all aboard turn to vampires!!! It's amazing how far the vampire process has come since Nosferatu. No more messy blood-sucking, just add powder! So, these vamps all meet with Dracula who wants "To change the entire world into vampires!" I can't possibly understand why he'd want that, but okay. So the Newpires all head out along the Alps and other equally remote areas and begin to change more people into Vampires. But do they use powder? NO!! The creation process has taken yet another evolutionary leap in the span of a few minutes. These vampires shoot red beams from their eyes that turn people into blood-suck-...um..undead beam-shooters. There were just so many issues in this one I can't cover them all. Somewhere in the mix Zan and jayna try to help by changing into a Wooly Mammoth and ice water. Whatever. So Superman, Zan and Jayna all get shot and become Vampires. Okay, fine. So now they're vamps. Whatever shall the Super Friends do? In one conflict Batman and Robin barely manage to escape! Luckily their capes seem to reflect the vampire eyebeams. Thank Goodness! Blah blah, they head to the Swiss Institute for Biological research where some chick tells them that there is one type of bat that seems immune to the effect of the vampire rays. Um, how did miss thing know this? What possible reserach was done to let us know this during this situation?! Okay, fine. Batman and Robin head to the Andes caves where this bat lives because apparently the gas in the cave makes it immune. They manage to collect a teensy and I mean small cannister of the gas which they intend to use on hundreds of hundreds of beam-shooting vampires, but almost fail to make it away when they have to struggle in a fight with your typical every day standard issue giant Andes cave spider. Okay, fine. Having procured the gas they turn Superman and the Blunder Twins back to normal. Superman has a great idea! Using his heat vision to make his clothes gray and drab again like when he was a vampire (Though NO ONE else's clothes changed color) he decides he'll sneak back to Dracula's castle and take him out! Excellent idea Superman! With the aid of Batman's Bat-makeup...no, I am not lying. Really. I mean it....*ahem* Bat-makeup(which he has on him of course. Never leave the cave without your Bat-Drag), they make him look like a vampire once again. He flies back, shakes Dracula around by the shirt which is apparently all you needed to do to the most powerful vampire in legend and the world is saved once again!
Wow.
All I can say is...
I'll tell you what Maya would do. She'd have used some sort of wonderfully devised sonic-laser device to round up all the vampires, changed into an Andes Cave Gas Creature, broken the mammoth's neck, drank the Zan Ice water, spewed the curing gas all over the vampire minions, shoved Dracula out an airlock and then stayed on as a Super Friend to train the others in how to kick ass. Their first mission, of course, being to destroy the planet Exxor and rid the universe of such poseur "metamorphs".
So, with all this in just a few episodes how do I feel about the Super Friends cartoons I used to love so much in my youth?
I couldn't love them more!
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